Monday, March 12, 2007
Monty Python's Lord Of The Rings
Bridge Keeper: Stop! He who wishes to cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dum must answer me these questions three ere the other side he see.
Gandalf: Ask the questions! I am not afraid!
BK: What is your name?
Gandalf: Gandalf!
BK: What is your quest?
Gandalf: The overthrow of Sauron
BK: What is your favorite color?
Gandalf: Grey! No, White! Ahhhhhhh! (He is thrown into the Pits of Moria with a Balrog.)
Gandalf: Ask the questions! I am not afraid!
BK: What is your name?
Gandalf: Gandalf!
BK: What is your quest?
Gandalf: The overthrow of Sauron
BK: What is your favorite color?
Gandalf: Grey! No, White! Ahhhhhhh! (He is thrown into the Pits of Moria with a Balrog.)
The Lord of the Matrix
Orc lieutenant: I dispatched a band of Uruk-hai. Eastward across the plain. They're bringing the hobbits back now.
Saruman: No, lieutenant, your orcs are already dead.
Bilbo: Have you ever had that feeling, Gandalf? Where you’re not quite sure if you’re just spread out like butter over too much bread?
Gandalf: Yeah, all the time. It's called Ring-bearing. It's the only way to fly. Hey it sounds to me like you just need to unplug man, you know? Get some R&R?
Aragorn: [on a cell phone, calling from the other side of the Pracing Pony] Do you know who this is?
Frodo: Strider.
Aragorn: Yes. I've been looking for you, Frodo, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Frodo, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Frodo: Who's coming for me?
Aragorn: Stand up and see for yourself.
Frodo: What? Now?
Aragorn: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
[Frodo sees 3 Nazgul at the door.]
Frodo: Oh shit!
Aragorn: Yyyyeeeessss.
Aragorn: Ooh, squiddy’s sweeping in quick.
Frodo: Squiddy?
Aragorn: Nazgul, ringwraiths. Killing machines designed for one thing. Search and destroy.
Gandalf: Bilbo? The Bilbo? The one who beat the crap out of that dragon Smaug? Jesus.
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: I just thought... you were older.
Bilbo: Most wizards do.
Gandalf: Most of my fellowship you already know. This is Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir. The little one behind you is Gimli.
Balrog: The great Gandalf. We meet at last.
Gandalf: And you are?
Balrog: A Balrog. Agent Balrog.
Gandalf: You all look the same to me!
Galadriel: I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the mirror.
Frodo: What mirror? [Frodo knocks Galadriel's mirror off its table, spilling water everywhere.]
Galadriel: That mirror.
Boromir: Not like this. Not like this.
Saruman: Have you ever stood and stared at it, Gandalf? Marveled at its beauty? Its genius? ... Evolution, Gandalf. Evolution. Like the Ent-wives.
Gimli: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Legolas: Arrows. Lots of arrows.
Saruman: No, lieutenant, your orcs are already dead.
Bilbo: Have you ever had that feeling, Gandalf? Where you’re not quite sure if you’re just spread out like butter over too much bread?
Gandalf: Yeah, all the time. It's called Ring-bearing. It's the only way to fly. Hey it sounds to me like you just need to unplug man, you know? Get some R&R?
Aragorn: [on a cell phone, calling from the other side of the Pracing Pony] Do you know who this is?
Frodo: Strider.
Aragorn: Yes. I've been looking for you, Frodo, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Frodo, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Frodo: Who's coming for me?
Aragorn: Stand up and see for yourself.
Frodo: What? Now?
Aragorn: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
[Frodo sees 3 Nazgul at the door.]
Frodo: Oh shit!
Aragorn: Yyyyeeeessss.
Aragorn: Ooh, squiddy’s sweeping in quick.
Frodo: Squiddy?
Aragorn: Nazgul, ringwraiths. Killing machines designed for one thing. Search and destroy.
Gandalf: Bilbo? The Bilbo? The one who beat the crap out of that dragon Smaug? Jesus.
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: I just thought... you were older.
Bilbo: Most wizards do.
Gandalf: Most of my fellowship you already know. This is Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir. The little one behind you is Gimli.
Balrog: The great Gandalf. We meet at last.
Gandalf: And you are?
Balrog: A Balrog. Agent Balrog.
Gandalf: You all look the same to me!
Galadriel: I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the mirror.
Frodo: What mirror? [Frodo knocks Galadriel's mirror off its table, spilling water everywhere.]
Galadriel: That mirror.
Boromir: Not like this. Not like this.
Saruman: Have you ever stood and stared at it, Gandalf? Marveled at its beauty? Its genius? ... Evolution, Gandalf. Evolution. Like the Ent-wives.
Gimli: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Legolas: Arrows. Lots of arrows.
Ringballs: The Movie!
In a section of Earth very, very, very near the middle…
Uruk-hai: Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
Dark Sauron: [pulls off his eye] I can't see in this thing!
Dark Sauron: Who made that man an archer?
Archer: I did sir! He’s my cousin.
Dark Sauron: Who is he?
Col. Sarumanz: He’s a dork, sir.
Dark Sauron: I know that! What’s his name?
Col. Sarumanz: That is his name. Major de Orc.
Dark Sauron: And his cousin?
Col. Sarumanz: He’s a de Orc too, sir. Archer’s mate, first class, Philip de Orc.
Dark Sauron: How many dorks we got in this tower, anyhow?
[Orcs shout “Yo!”]
Dark Sauron: I knew it! I’m surrounded by dorks! Keep firing dorks!
Nazgul 1: What happened, where'd the she-elf go?
Nazgul 2: I don't know sir, she must have secret hyperjets on that horse!
Nazgul 1: What do we have on this thing, a cuisinart?
Elrond: Ok Frodo, welcome to real life. You want this Ring of Power? You carry it!
Frodo: Pick that up!
Elrond: YOU pick that up!
Dark Sauron: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch my radar. Where is it?
Col. Sarumanz: Here it is sir, Mr. Palantir.
Col Sarumanz: I have an idea! Orc! Get me a copy of Two Towers the movie!
Sauron: Have you found anything yet?
Nazgul: We ain't found shit!
Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It's in you!
DARK SAURON: (imitating Frodo) No. No, please, leave
me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating Samwise) Not so fast, SAURON. (mask down voice) Samwise. (imitating Samwise) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating Samwise) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Aragorn) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Gimli) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Legolas) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess Frodo, at last we are alone. (imitating Frodo) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Hobbit princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating Frodo) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Frodo) No,
yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're eye is
so big.
Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It's in you!
If you can read this, you don't speak Elvish.
Uruk-hai: Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
Dark Sauron: [pulls off his eye] I can't see in this thing!
Dark Sauron: Who made that man an archer?
Archer: I did sir! He’s my cousin.
Dark Sauron: Who is he?
Col. Sarumanz: He’s a dork, sir.
Dark Sauron: I know that! What’s his name?
Col. Sarumanz: That is his name. Major de Orc.
Dark Sauron: And his cousin?
Col. Sarumanz: He’s a de Orc too, sir. Archer’s mate, first class, Philip de Orc.
Dark Sauron: How many dorks we got in this tower, anyhow?
[Orcs shout “Yo!”]
Dark Sauron: I knew it! I’m surrounded by dorks! Keep firing dorks!
Nazgul 1: What happened, where'd the she-elf go?
Nazgul 2: I don't know sir, she must have secret hyperjets on that horse!
Nazgul 1: What do we have on this thing, a cuisinart?
Elrond: Ok Frodo, welcome to real life. You want this Ring of Power? You carry it!
Frodo: Pick that up!
Elrond: YOU pick that up!
Dark Sauron: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch my radar. Where is it?
Col. Sarumanz: Here it is sir, Mr. Palantir.
Col Sarumanz: I have an idea! Orc! Get me a copy of Two Towers the movie!
Sauron: Have you found anything yet?
Nazgul: We ain't found shit!
Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It's in you!
DARK SAURON: (imitating Frodo) No. No, please, leave
me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating Samwise) Not so fast, SAURON. (mask down voice) Samwise. (imitating Samwise) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating Samwise) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Aragorn) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Gimli) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Legolas) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess Frodo, at last we are alone. (imitating Frodo) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Hobbit princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating Frodo) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Frodo) No,
yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're eye is
so big.
Forget the Ring! The Ring is bupkiss. I found it in a cracker jack box. The Gollum is in you, Lone Frrodo! It's in you!
If you can read this, you don't speak Elvish.
Goehte: Der Ring der Energie (The Ring of Power)
Who rides so late through night and gloom?
It's three hobbits, in search of Mt. Doom
One holds the One Ring tight in his arms
He clasps it snugly to keep it from harm.
"Frodo, why hide you your face with such fear?"
"Can't you see the Nazgul, Sam? Merry? They're near!
The nine riding Nazgul with swords and black hoods!"
"Frodo, it's just shadows deep in the woods."
'Come back! Come back! To Mordor we'll take you.
Wherever you run, we shall follow too;
You've something of Saurons and he wants it back,
So give us the One Ring or we shall attack.'
"Aragorn, Aragorn and can you not hear
the Nazgul, whose threats fill me with such fear?"
"Calm down, Frodo. Wounds have made you not well.
I hear only the wind as we near Rivendell."
'Give back my preciousss, it belongs to me
It was stolen by another Hobbit, you see.
This journey is madness, it's only a ring.
Instead, just destroy that glowing sword, Sting.'
"Samwise, Samwise can you not see,
the visage of Gollum, who stands before me?"
"My Frodo, my Frodo, I see it just fine.
It's not Gollum, but a forest of pine."
'I want you, your cleverness charms me, of course.
If you'll not relent, then I'll take it by force."
"Boromir, Boromir, you're hurting my arm.
I must slip on the ring to vanish from harm."
The fellowship struggles, they come with great speed,
The horn of Gondor sounded and they must take heed.
They rush to their fallen companion with dread,-
The stuart of Gondor, Boromir, was dead.
It's three hobbits, in search of Mt. Doom
One holds the One Ring tight in his arms
He clasps it snugly to keep it from harm.
"Frodo, why hide you your face with such fear?"
"Can't you see the Nazgul, Sam? Merry? They're near!
The nine riding Nazgul with swords and black hoods!"
"Frodo, it's just shadows deep in the woods."
'Come back! Come back! To Mordor we'll take you.
Wherever you run, we shall follow too;
You've something of Saurons and he wants it back,
So give us the One Ring or we shall attack.'
"Aragorn, Aragorn and can you not hear
the Nazgul, whose threats fill me with such fear?"
"Calm down, Frodo. Wounds have made you not well.
I hear only the wind as we near Rivendell."
'Give back my preciousss, it belongs to me
It was stolen by another Hobbit, you see.
This journey is madness, it's only a ring.
Instead, just destroy that glowing sword, Sting.'
"Samwise, Samwise can you not see,
the visage of Gollum, who stands before me?"
"My Frodo, my Frodo, I see it just fine.
It's not Gollum, but a forest of pine."
'I want you, your cleverness charms me, of course.
If you'll not relent, then I'll take it by force."
"Boromir, Boromir, you're hurting my arm.
I must slip on the ring to vanish from harm."
The fellowship struggles, they come with great speed,
The horn of Gondor sounded and they must take heed.
They rush to their fallen companion with dread,-
The stuart of Gondor, Boromir, was dead.
Goehte: Der Ring der Energie (The Ring of Power)
Who rides so late through night and gloom?
It's three hobbits, in search of Mt. Doom
One holds the One Ring tight in his arms
He clasps it snugly to keep it from harm.
"Frodo, why hide you your face with such fear?"
"Can't you see the Nazgul, Sam? Merry? They're near!
The nine riding Nazgul with swords and black hoods!"
"Frodo, it's just shadows deep in the woods."
'Come back! Come back! To Mordor we'll take you.
Wherever you run, we shall follow too;
You've something of Saurons and he wants it back,
So give us the One Ring or we shall attack.'
"Aragorn, Aragorn and can you not hear
the Nazgul, whose threats fill me with such fear?"
"Calm down, Frodo. Wounds have made you not well.
I hear only the wind as we near Rivendell."
'Give back my preciousss, it belongs to me
It was stolen by another Hobbit, you see.
This journey is madness, it's only a ring.
Instead, just destroy that glowing sword, Sting.'
"Samwise, Samwise can you not see,
the visage of Gollum, who stands before me?"
"My Frodo, my Frodo, I see it just fine.
It's not Gollum, but a forest of pine."
'I want you, your cleverness charms me, of course.
If you'll not relent, then I'll take it by force."
"Boromir, Boromir, you're hurting my arm.
I must slip on the ring to vanish from harm."
The fellowship struggles, they come with great speed,
The horn of Gondor sounded and they must take heed.
They rush to their fallen companion with dread,-
The stuart of Gondor, Boromir, was dead.
It's three hobbits, in search of Mt. Doom
One holds the One Ring tight in his arms
He clasps it snugly to keep it from harm.
"Frodo, why hide you your face with such fear?"
"Can't you see the Nazgul, Sam? Merry? They're near!
The nine riding Nazgul with swords and black hoods!"
"Frodo, it's just shadows deep in the woods."
'Come back! Come back! To Mordor we'll take you.
Wherever you run, we shall follow too;
You've something of Saurons and he wants it back,
So give us the One Ring or we shall attack.'
"Aragorn, Aragorn and can you not hear
the Nazgul, whose threats fill me with such fear?"
"Calm down, Frodo. Wounds have made you not well.
I hear only the wind as we near Rivendell."
'Give back my preciousss, it belongs to me
It was stolen by another Hobbit, you see.
This journey is madness, it's only a ring.
Instead, just destroy that glowing sword, Sting.'
"Samwise, Samwise can you not see,
the visage of Gollum, who stands before me?"
"My Frodo, my Frodo, I see it just fine.
It's not Gollum, but a forest of pine."
'I want you, your cleverness charms me, of course.
If you'll not relent, then I'll take it by force."
"Boromir, Boromir, you're hurting my arm.
I must slip on the ring to vanish from harm."
The fellowship struggles, they come with great speed,
The horn of Gondor sounded and they must take heed.
They rush to their fallen companion with dread,-
The stuart of Gondor, Boromir, was dead.
Yet another scene from Pulp Fellowship
At the banks of the Great River, ANDUIN. BOROMIR has just tried to take THE ONE RING from FRODO. FRODO slips on the RING and escapes. LEGOLAS with ARAGORN and GIMLI confront BOROMIR. FRODO has slipped off the RING and stands nearby . . .
LEGOLAS: How you boys doin'? (No answer)
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question.
BOROMIR: We're doin' okay.
LEGOLAS: Do you know who we are?
Boromir shakes his head: "No."
LEGOLAS: We're associates of your business partner Elrond Halfelven. You remember your business partner dont'ya?
BOROMIR: I remember him.
LEGOLAS: Good for you. Looks like me and Aragorn caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?
BOROMIR: Lembas.
LEGOLAS: Lembas. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda Lembas?
BOROMIR: Waybread.
LEGOLAS: No, I mean where did you get'em? Rivendell, Mirkwood, where?
BOROMIR: Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: Lothlorien. That's that joint where the Lady Galadriel lives. I heard they got some tasty lembas. I ain't never had any myself, how are they?
BOROMIR: They're good.
LEGOLAS: Mind if I try one of yours?
BOROMIR: No.
Legolas grabs the lembas and takes a bite of it.
LEGOLAS: Uuummmm, that's tasty lembas.
(to Aragorn): Strider, you ever try lembas from Lothlorien?
ARAGORN: No.
Legolas holds out the lembas.
LEGOLAS: You wanna bite, it's real good.
ARAGORN: I ain't hungry.
LEGOLAS: Well, if you like lembas give 'em a try sometime.
(to Boromir): You know what the Dale-men call lembas?
BOROMIR: Cram?
LEGOLAS: Check out the big brain on Boromir. You'a smart motherf***er, that's right.
Boromir, you know what we're here for?
Boromir nods his head: "Yes."
LEGOLAS: Then why don't you tell my boy here Strider, where you got the s**t hid.
GIMLI: Frodo took it --
LEOGOLAS: I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.
Cut to Frodo, seen from behind. We can't see what he's holding up on a chain, but a small gold glow shines on him. Frodo just stares at it, transfixed.
LEGOLAS: We happy? (No answer from the transfixed Frodo.)
LEGOLAS: Frodo! (Frodo looks up at Legolas.)
LEGOLAS: We happy?
FRODO: We're happy
BOROMIR (to Legolas): I just want you to know how sorry we are about how f***ed up things got between me and Elrond by my trying to take the Ring to Minas Tirith. When we entered into this thing, I only had the best intentions --
As Boromir talks, Legolas takes out his bow and loads it with an arrow from his quiver. Boromir has just s**t his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions." (Boromir can't say a word.)
LEGOLAS: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Elrond Halfelven looks like? (Boromir still can't speak.)
Legolas SNAPS, SAVAGELY KNOCKING Boromir to the ground. Boromir now sits on the gound like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.
LEGOLAS: What country you from!
BOROMIR (petrified): What?
LEGOLAS: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak Elvish in "What?"
BOROMIR (near heart attack): What?
LEGOLAS: Elvish-motherf***er-can-you-speak- it?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Now describe what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR (out of fear): What?
Legolas takes his bow and PRESSES the tip of the arrow HARD in Boromir's cheek.
LEGOLAS: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherf***er, say "What" one more goddamn time!
Now describe to me what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR: Well he's ...he's...an elf --
LEGOLAS: -- go on!
BOROMIR: ...and he...he...wears a headband --
LEGOLAS: -- does he look like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (without thinking): What?
Legolas rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Boromir in the shoulder. Boromir SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM.
LEGOLAS: Does-he-look-like-a-dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in agony): No.
LEGOLAS: Then why did you try to toss 'im like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in spasm): I didn't.
Now in a lower voice. LEGOLAS: Yes ya did Boromir. Ya tried ta toss 'im by taking the Ring from Frodo. You ever read Elven-lore, Boromir?
BOROMIR (in spasm): Yes.
LEGOLAS: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Legolas empties his quiver of arrows into Boromir. Aragorn plunges Anduril into Boromir. When they are finished, the massacred carcass just sits there for a moment, then TOPPLES over. All is quiet.
LEGOLAS: How you boys doin'? (No answer)
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question.
BOROMIR: We're doin' okay.
LEGOLAS: Do you know who we are?
Boromir shakes his head: "No."
LEGOLAS: We're associates of your business partner Elrond Halfelven. You remember your business partner dont'ya?
BOROMIR: I remember him.
LEGOLAS: Good for you. Looks like me and Aragorn caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?
BOROMIR: Lembas.
LEGOLAS: Lembas. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda Lembas?
BOROMIR: Waybread.
LEGOLAS: No, I mean where did you get'em? Rivendell, Mirkwood, where?
BOROMIR: Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: Lothlorien. That's that joint where the Lady Galadriel lives. I heard they got some tasty lembas. I ain't never had any myself, how are they?
BOROMIR: They're good.
LEGOLAS: Mind if I try one of yours?
BOROMIR: No.
Legolas grabs the lembas and takes a bite of it.
LEGOLAS: Uuummmm, that's tasty lembas.
(to Aragorn): Strider, you ever try lembas from Lothlorien?
ARAGORN: No.
Legolas holds out the lembas.
LEGOLAS: You wanna bite, it's real good.
ARAGORN: I ain't hungry.
LEGOLAS: Well, if you like lembas give 'em a try sometime.
(to Boromir): You know what the Dale-men call lembas?
BOROMIR: Cram?
LEGOLAS: Check out the big brain on Boromir. You'a smart motherf***er, that's right.
Boromir, you know what we're here for?
Boromir nods his head: "Yes."
LEGOLAS: Then why don't you tell my boy here Strider, where you got the s**t hid.
GIMLI: Frodo took it --
LEOGOLAS: I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.
Cut to Frodo, seen from behind. We can't see what he's holding up on a chain, but a small gold glow shines on him. Frodo just stares at it, transfixed.
LEGOLAS: We happy? (No answer from the transfixed Frodo.)
LEGOLAS: Frodo! (Frodo looks up at Legolas.)
LEGOLAS: We happy?
FRODO: We're happy
BOROMIR (to Legolas): I just want you to know how sorry we are about how f***ed up things got between me and Elrond by my trying to take the Ring to Minas Tirith. When we entered into this thing, I only had the best intentions --
As Boromir talks, Legolas takes out his bow and loads it with an arrow from his quiver. Boromir has just s**t his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.
LEGOLAS (to Boromir): Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions." (Boromir can't say a word.)
LEGOLAS: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Elrond Halfelven looks like? (Boromir still can't speak.)
Legolas SNAPS, SAVAGELY KNOCKING Boromir to the ground. Boromir now sits on the gound like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.
LEGOLAS: What country you from!
BOROMIR (petrified): What?
LEGOLAS: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak Elvish in "What?"
BOROMIR (near heart attack): What?
LEGOLAS: Elvish-motherf***er-can-you-speak- it?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
BOROMIR: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Now describe what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR (out of fear): What?
Legolas takes his bow and PRESSES the tip of the arrow HARD in Boromir's cheek.
LEGOLAS: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherf***er, say "What" one more goddamn time!
Now describe to me what Elrond Halfelven looks like!
BOROMIR: Well he's ...he's...an elf --
LEGOLAS: -- go on!
BOROMIR: ...and he...he...wears a headband --
LEGOLAS: -- does he look like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (without thinking): What?
Legolas rolls his eyes and SHOOTS Boromir in the shoulder. Boromir SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM.
LEGOLAS: Does-he-look-like-a-dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in agony): No.
LEGOLAS: Then why did you try to toss 'im like a dwarf?!
BOROMIR (in spasm): I didn't.
Now in a lower voice. LEGOLAS: Yes ya did Boromir. Ya tried ta toss 'im by taking the Ring from Frodo. You ever read Elven-lore, Boromir?
BOROMIR (in spasm): Yes.
LEGOLAS: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Legolas empties his quiver of arrows into Boromir. Aragorn plunges Anduril into Boromir. When they are finished, the massacred carcass just sits there for a moment, then TOPPLES over. All is quiet.
Fun Facts about DeCSS and DVDs
aus einer kleinen diskussion auf der fm4 page, anlässlich des freispruchs von Jon Johansen:
littlelui
DeCSS wurde von drei leuten gemeinsam entwickelt.
aber die anderen beiden konnten anonym bleiben. johansen hat auch nur die Benutzeroberfläche für DeCSS geschrieben, welches auch nicht unter Linux sondern unter Windows lief.
siehe auch:
http://www.chscene.ch/ccc/decss/decsstru
th.txt
CSS wird von DeCSS auch nicht umgangen, sondern DeCSS benutzt - afaik - den (reverse-engineerten) Schlüssel des Xing-Players. Ich glaube nicht dass DVD-Player unter Linux noch mit Code von DeCSS arbeiten, denn dieser Schlüssel dürfte mit aktuellen DVDs gar nicht mehr funktionieren.
gerlinde666 (FM4)
mit was dann?
littlelui
gute frage.
sehr gute frage sogar, ich wusste das nämlich selber nicht. aus der doku zu libdvdcss, der bibliothek die (zumindest) das programm "xine" (nicht verwechseln mit "Xing", dem von den DeCSS-machern reverse-engineerten Windows-DVD-player) zum entschlüsseln der filme benutzt stammt jedoch folgendes:
* DVDCSS_METHOD: sets the authentication and decryption method that libdvdcss will use to read scrambled discs. Can be one of title, key or disc.
o key is the default method. libdvdcss will use a set of calculated player keys to try and get the disc key. This can fail if the drive does not recognize any of the player keys.
o disc is a fallback method when key has failed. Instead of using player keys, libdvdcss will crack the disc key using a brute force algorithm. This process is CPU intensive and requires 64 MB of memory to store temporary data.
o title is the fallback when all other methods have failed. It does not rely on a key exchange with the DVD drive, but rather uses a crypto attack to guess the title key. On rare cases this may fail because there is not enough encrypted data on the disc to perform a statistical attack, but in the other hand it is the only way to decrypt a DVD stored on a hard disc, or a DVD with the wrong region on an RPC2 drive.
(http://www.videolan.org/libdvdcss/doc/)
damit man das versteht muss man natürlich wissen, dass die filmdaten auf der DVD in einzelne VOB-files zerteilt sind. jedes dieser VOB-files ist mit einem sogenannten TITLE-key verschlüsselt. Die TITLE-keys sind ebenfalls auf der DVD gespeichert, verschlüsselt mit dem DISC-key. der DISC-key ist wiederum 409 mal auf der DVD gespeichert, jeweils verschlüsselt mit einem der 409 vom DVD-Konsortium vergebenen PLAYER-keys. Jeder Hardware-Player bzw. "lizensierter" Software-Player hat einen dieser 409 keys gespeichert.
Quelle: http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-d
iscuss/msg01924.html
littlelui
nachtrag
falls sich jemand wundert wo die player-keys für libdvdcss herkommen:
Yes, Frank Stevenson has written programs that can determine all 409
player keys, the disc and title keys given only a DVD. In particular,
once you have the title key, decrypting the .vob is easy. The fact that
you can learn the player keys from the DVD alone is what makes CSS
truly, truly sad.
(http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-
discuss/msg05984.html)
btw, CSS war NIE eine methode um das kopieren von DVDs zu verhindern - industriell gefertigte raubkopien funktionieren einfach via 1:1 kopie, da gibts von den daten her keinen unterschied zum original. bisschen anders ist es mit "gebrannten" kopien, weil der bereich wo der disc-key (und die title-keys?) auf der gepressten DVD gespeichert ist auf einem normalen DVD-rohling nicht geschrieben werden kann. gerade die industriell gefertigten raubkopien haben (in fernost) oft einen höheren marktanteil als die originale!
das ziel dieses "kopierschutzes" (abspielsperre triffts eher) ist wohl die kontrolle des player-marktes (ohne kooperation mit dem DVD-Konsortium und ohne entsprechende zahlungen an dieses kann man keinen DVD-player herstellen) und vor allem gemeinsam mit dem DMCA das aushöhlen der "fair-use"-klauseln.
lui
littlelui
appendix A: legalität (zumindest in USA)
There's only
one problem for the MPAA: the player keys are trade secrets
that can be legitimately reverse-engineered.
(http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-
discuss/msg05962.html)
der standard-zugriff via libdvdcss ist also - so scheints - legal.
die fallback-mechanismen der libdvdcss sind aber definitiv illegal laut DMCA und wohl auch EUCD (europäisches gegenstück zum DMCA).
so und jetzt werd' ich mal versuchen mich nicht länger von der arbeit abhalten zu lassen *g*
lui
littlelui
DeCSS wurde von drei leuten gemeinsam entwickelt.
aber die anderen beiden konnten anonym bleiben. johansen hat auch nur die Benutzeroberfläche für DeCSS geschrieben, welches auch nicht unter Linux sondern unter Windows lief.
siehe auch:
http://www.chscene.ch/ccc/decss/decsstru
th.txt
CSS wird von DeCSS auch nicht umgangen, sondern DeCSS benutzt - afaik - den (reverse-engineerten) Schlüssel des Xing-Players. Ich glaube nicht dass DVD-Player unter Linux noch mit Code von DeCSS arbeiten, denn dieser Schlüssel dürfte mit aktuellen DVDs gar nicht mehr funktionieren.
gerlinde666 (FM4)
mit was dann?
littlelui
gute frage.
sehr gute frage sogar, ich wusste das nämlich selber nicht. aus der doku zu libdvdcss, der bibliothek die (zumindest) das programm "xine" (nicht verwechseln mit "Xing", dem von den DeCSS-machern reverse-engineerten Windows-DVD-player) zum entschlüsseln der filme benutzt stammt jedoch folgendes:
* DVDCSS_METHOD: sets the authentication and decryption method that libdvdcss will use to read scrambled discs. Can be one of title, key or disc.
o key is the default method. libdvdcss will use a set of calculated player keys to try and get the disc key. This can fail if the drive does not recognize any of the player keys.
o disc is a fallback method when key has failed. Instead of using player keys, libdvdcss will crack the disc key using a brute force algorithm. This process is CPU intensive and requires 64 MB of memory to store temporary data.
o title is the fallback when all other methods have failed. It does not rely on a key exchange with the DVD drive, but rather uses a crypto attack to guess the title key. On rare cases this may fail because there is not enough encrypted data on the disc to perform a statistical attack, but in the other hand it is the only way to decrypt a DVD stored on a hard disc, or a DVD with the wrong region on an RPC2 drive.
(http://www.videolan.org/libdvdcss/doc/)
damit man das versteht muss man natürlich wissen, dass die filmdaten auf der DVD in einzelne VOB-files zerteilt sind. jedes dieser VOB-files ist mit einem sogenannten TITLE-key verschlüsselt. Die TITLE-keys sind ebenfalls auf der DVD gespeichert, verschlüsselt mit dem DISC-key. der DISC-key ist wiederum 409 mal auf der DVD gespeichert, jeweils verschlüsselt mit einem der 409 vom DVD-Konsortium vergebenen PLAYER-keys. Jeder Hardware-Player bzw. "lizensierter" Software-Player hat einen dieser 409 keys gespeichert.
Quelle: http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-d
iscuss/msg01924.html
littlelui
nachtrag
falls sich jemand wundert wo die player-keys für libdvdcss herkommen:
Yes, Frank Stevenson has written programs that can determine all 409
player keys, the disc and title keys given only a DVD. In particular,
once you have the title key, decrypting the .vob is easy. The fact that
you can learn the player keys from the DVD alone is what makes CSS
truly, truly sad.
(http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-
discuss/msg05984.html)
btw, CSS war NIE eine methode um das kopieren von DVDs zu verhindern - industriell gefertigte raubkopien funktionieren einfach via 1:1 kopie, da gibts von den daten her keinen unterschied zum original. bisschen anders ist es mit "gebrannten" kopien, weil der bereich wo der disc-key (und die title-keys?) auf der gepressten DVD gespeichert ist auf einem normalen DVD-rohling nicht geschrieben werden kann. gerade die industriell gefertigten raubkopien haben (in fernost) oft einen höheren marktanteil als die originale!
das ziel dieses "kopierschutzes" (abspielsperre triffts eher) ist wohl die kontrolle des player-marktes (ohne kooperation mit dem DVD-Konsortium und ohne entsprechende zahlungen an dieses kann man keinen DVD-player herstellen) und vor allem gemeinsam mit dem DMCA das aushöhlen der "fair-use"-klauseln.
lui
littlelui
appendix A: legalität (zumindest in USA)
There's only
one problem for the MPAA: the player keys are trade secrets
that can be legitimately reverse-engineered.
(http://eon.law.harvard.edu/archive/dvd-
discuss/msg05962.html)
der standard-zugriff via libdvdcss ist also - so scheints - legal.
die fallback-mechanismen der libdvdcss sind aber definitiv illegal laut DMCA und wohl auch EUCD (europäisches gegenstück zum DMCA).
so und jetzt werd' ich mal versuchen mich nicht länger von der arbeit abhalten zu lassen *g*
lui
Was wäre wenn
Wäre ich ein Hobbit, dann hiesse ich
Drogo Grubb of Little Delving
ganz nett, aber wäre ich ein Elb, dann hiesse ich
Fingon Ar-Feiniel
Drogo Grubb of Little Delving
ganz nett, aber wäre ich ein Elb, dann hiesse ich
Fingon Ar-Feiniel
How I like a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics.
That phrase contains the first fifteen decimal places of pi encoded in the length of the words. For more decimal places, simple increase the poem length:
The above allows you to memorize the first twenty-one digits of pi. Not enough? Or not a good enough poem? Try this rework of Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven, with each word representing (sequentially) a digit of pi. The longest pi mnenomic is right around 4,000 words (with each one representing a digit of pi). That's a lot of pi.
Now, I wish I could recollect pi.
"Eureka," cried the great inventor.
Christmas Pudding; Christmas Pie
Is the problem's very center.
The above allows you to memorize the first twenty-one digits of pi. Not enough? Or not a good enough poem? Try this rework of Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven, with each word representing (sequentially) a digit of pi. The longest pi mnenomic is right around 4,000 words (with each one representing a digit of pi). That's a lot of pi.
as seen here:
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
C#: The gun fires just fine, but your foot can't figure out where
the bullets are and ignores them.
Java: The gun fires just fine, but your foot can't figure out what
the bullets are and ignores them.
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his
feet."
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
medic in the emergency room.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone in sight.
80x86
Assembly: The gun isn't in the same segment as your feet,
so you can't shoot them.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs
to be retied.
dBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by
the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway.
dBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun
was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in
the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Clipper: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you
can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the
bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
Forth: yourself foot shoot.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run
out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
processing ability.
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
drops the original one on your foot.
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in
your face.
PowerBuilder:
While attempting to load the gun you discover that the LoadGun
system function is buggy; as a work around you tape the bullet
to the outside of the gun and unsuccessfully attempt to fire it
with a nail. In frustration you club your foot with the butt of the
gun and explain to your client that this approximates the
functionality of shooting yourself in the foot and that the next
version of Powerbuilder will fix it.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
attachment at the end of your leg.
pre .Net
Visual
Basic: You'll appear to shoot yourself in the foot, but have so
much fun doing it that you don't care.
VB.Net: You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in a
dialogue box, only to have a UAE pop up when you click on OK.
This shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a
screensaver. You then fly to Washington where Bill Gates shoots
you in the foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
Three Editors for the macintosh-kings under the a great gui,
Seven for the Unix-lords in their interface of lines,
Nine for the Windowed Men doomed to a bad gui,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Editor to rule them all, One Editor to find them,
One Editor to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
Vim is the One. Bow mortals.
(as seen here)
The symbol for copyright should be a burning candle with a cage of barbed wire around the flame, symbolizing that though you could light your candle at mine without diminishing mine's light, I'm still not going to let you copy my fire.
- HTH NE1 on Slashdot.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Jetzt siehts schon fast wie ein Haus aus :)Friday, March 9, 2007
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